Fragapane Phobia

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I remember my 18th birthday like it was only yesterday. I was super excited. I was finally going to be legal. I heard my driver’s licence calling and my partial freedom knocking, yippeeeee!!!

I did not stop talking about the d-day. My parents were already exhausted and couldn’t wait for the day to go by. I didn’t get a sweet 16 and they promised a ‘worth-the-wait’ 18th birthday party. Preparations had been ongoing since the week before. Mummy had hired the best caterer and daddy had the drinks and dj covered.

In the course of the day, things didn’t go as planned, I had a wardrobe malfunction and my cake was fondant instead of the butter cream I ordered. As if my day could not get any worse, my big brother called to say he missed his flight and couldn’t make it till the next day.

The party was scheduled to hold by 2pm and being Africans I envisaged people arriving by 3. Everything was set and I must confess my parents did a fine job amidst all my sulking. It was 4pm and I guessed the guests were stuck in traffic because the road to my area was under construction. I decided to take a quick nap as I hadn’t really rested the night before.

I woke up by 7pm and thought it was a dream. At first I smiled thinking I was going to
hear surprise!!!, the way it’s done in Hollywood. To my utmost dismay, the only surprise I got was an empty house save my parents and my siblings.

My parents walked up to me wearing apologetic looks and I figured something was off. I started crying even before i knew what the matter was. They started apologising and telling how much they loved me blah! blah!, daddy finally let me in on the fact that he had forgotten to distribute the invites and only discovered an hour before I woke up when he reached for a file in his briefcase. I fainted

They had tried calling some of the guests but the notice was too short. My birthday was during the festive season and everyone was caught up in the festivity. At about 8pm some of my neighbours showed up. Although my parents have tried to make up for that uneventful day, little did they know I had developed fragapane phobia.
‘Fragapane phobia: Fear of celebrating birthdays’

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Aye!!!

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“Awon aye, elenu razor o, won le so own to wun won o”

I’m not exactly sure what was going through the mind of legendry musician Wasiu Ayinde when he wrote those lyrics but i’m pretty sure i can connect. Btw sorry to burst your bubbles guys i’m not referring to Davido’s Aye, that’s an entirely different matter lol. These ayes I’m referring to are those amebo’s that double as monitoring spirits. They are many and in fact quite a number are reading this post atm.

These people are very powerful and they can help shape ones destiny without even knowing it. We find them in our schools, churches, neighbourhood, offices, gyms, markets, saloons, e.t.c. I am sure at this point some of us are pretty confused, lemme help shed light.

I’m sure we all have that one aunty that never keeps her mouth where her money is. She knows the genesis and revelation of the entire family, she can tell you whose husband is beating who, whose child is not doing great at school etc. She will not only gist you once o, she will follow the gist up self, she is the aunty that will remind you that you have attained marriageable age and will harass you at every family occasion to bring a husband home. She is the one that will tell you your dress is either too short or too revealing; your make up is too much, your phone is too expensive for someone your age. She knows before you that your best friend has given birth and reminds you that you’re still yet to bring a man to the house. Mind you this Aunty is either unmarried, a single mother, jobless name it. Next such an aunt approaches you, just shout Ayeeeeeeee.

The next category, these ones ‘burst my head’ *chei, they are ayes in the “neighbourhood clothing”, they are the ones that tell your parents when they catch you with a boy or girl, some of them even meet your future partner before your parents, that’s how powerful they are. They help you start counting down to the day of your graduation immediately you gain admission, when you think they’ve forgotten two years down the line, you hear questions like, have you not finished? Just two years after ooo *Haba!!!, during a long summer holiday they start asking when are you returning back to school, they ask this question for like two months silently thinking or “hoping” you have gotten expelled or suspended *Ayeeeee, mind your business

Omo this next ayes are “wonderful” people, for lack of a better expression. We find them in the church. The painful part is that most of them are not easily detected. They are the first to spot out the “bad” children in the church and mind you not for genuine reasons, they are quick to know the children who have become wayward. They are the ones that complain about your hair, makeup , jewelleries, nails, clothes even when not authorised to do so. They are quick to pick on you and the most annoying part of all their children are the chief culprits.

Lemme pause here and check myself, I might also be an aye to other people knowingly or unknowingly #runsaway…

Omoshalewa

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Society says age is not just a number
I can’t help but wonder
Is this a blunder
Or a ploy to put us assunder
Neither age nor time nor season nor tribe
can take me away from my lover

Omoshalewa my love for you breaks barriers
We’re not getting any younger
Lets get married this coming november
I’ll pay your brideprice in naira and dollar
Ayanfe mi, I’ll even invite Pasuma wonder
to play our favourite song with a little ajasa

I’ll beg the elders to plead with your father
With time and prayer I’m sure he’ll ‘yander’
We’ll look back to this day with laughter
Thanking God we’re together

When we are old and no longer
Our children will be glad to have discovered,
Age is just a number.

Poverty Alleviation

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Is it just me or has any other person observed that there is this notion formed immediately you have a boo or a bae (Ebube) as it’s popularly so called. It almost as if you longer reserved the right to be broke and this baffles me.
Okay so l go to meet my mum and I’m like “please I need some money to make my hair or get airtime” and I hear something like, “am I your husband ni ‘in this context now bae’ ” or you tell a friend, “oh hey lets go grab something to eat”, bills on you and she goes, “I resemble your boo” and I’m like *??.   Or you’ll be gisting with a friend about something very important o and he “goes you have nothing to worry about now, shey you have a boo” *huh . And it has got me wondering, Is having a boo or bae, a poverty alleviation program I’m unaware of? Someborri should please help enlighten a sister ooooo.

Not the kind of life

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The mandate was to ‘go ye therefore’
I volunteered, Life is sweet, I understood
I’m here now, I think there’s been a mistake
This is not the kind of life I envisaged
Apparently it operates a different vocabulary

Filled with tears and blood
like sea’s current
Sweeping away joy and happiness
A confluence of pain and sickness
Strength subsumed in weakness
Unity in war
I pledge…, empty barrels
Broken hearts, beyond repair
Souls like vagabonds
virtues’ that can’t be regained
Talents lost, some while so young

Love, a myth
Friendship, unreal
Families in despair
Vows, a mere recital
‘For better for worse,
for richer for poorer’, a joke
Hatred abounds,
Husbands for wives,
Brothers for sisters
Children rejected
their needs neglected.

Money,
A dream for the poor
An opium to the rich,
The bridge unending
The ‘haves not’ build castles in the air,
The ‘haves’ make them their footstool

Government carefree,
Tax a burden,
Amenities a thought,
Corruption the watch word.
Capital market no way,
money market no say
No Godfather no hope,
service to humanity, a mere paper tiger

National cake?
unity?
peace?
One love?
progress?

I’m certain this is not the kind of life that was promised but who is to blame, I’ve made a choice.