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Previous Fragapane Phobia

‘Have you ever been in love, You could touch the moonlight. When your heart is shooting stars,You’re holding heaven in your arms’. After a long and stressful week at work I decided to settle for Celine Dion’s album to ease all the stressing while driving.

As I listened to the lyrics of the song, I cast my mind back to my undergrad days where I met my first and only love, Aderopo.

He was one of the most popular guys on campus while I was just a “Low-keyaite”. I had a crush on him the first day we met. We’re introduced by a mutual friend, my room mate. I confessed to her how I felt and she took it upon herself to  ensure we spoke. Ropo and I finally had our moment at our departmental dinner. My roommate introduced us again and made sure we had an actual conversation that night. He was in his final year then and I was just in my second year. We exchanged numbers and soon began to talk, initially from saying hi’s occasionally to endless hours on the phone until we became inseparable. Not too long after, we starting dating. He called me ‘bighead’, he told me it was only because he loved my big head. He said it made me look nerdy. I wasn’t sure I agreed with his theory but if it was coming from Ropo, it had to be right and I grew into accepting the name as my pet name.

My friends loved the idea of being referred to as “friends to the girl dating the most popular dude on campus” except Uche. She was very blunt and immediately kicked against the union. She told me she had heard his gists and they weren’t pleasant. She warned that he was only out to score one final goal with me before his graduation. I called her a badbelle, kill joy and a rumour monger. I even accused her of being jealous and asked her to mind her business.

Now looking back I wish I listened. My relationship with Ropo was parasitic, although, then in my naive state it was beautiful. It started on a bright note. He would choke me with tender loving care, buy me all sorts, show me off to his friends, my friends were green with envy. His friends even referred to me as ‘Iyawo wa’. Barely 3 months into the relationship he started asking for sex. I strongly kicked against it because I was from a good Christian home and decided to keep my virginity till my wedding night. I also felt if he was serious about us, he would wait. This kept a strain on our relationship. My friends informed me that he about his escapades with girls on campus. After I confronted him, he told me that if he wasn’t getting it from me, he might as well get it from other more free giving girls because, ‘ body no be firewood’. I remember crying all the way back to my hostel that night.

My room mate advised me to stop sulking and fight for man, whatever it takes. Even if it meant me losing my virginity to him. ‘Be wise babe, nothing is new under the sun’. I loved Ropo so much that if he literally told me to jump, I would without asking questions. I finally gave in to the pressure and had sex with Ropo. It was an unpleasant experience and I vowed it won’t repeat itself, but that was only the beginning. Sex became part and parcel of our relationship. Things were finally back to normal and Ropo decided it was time I stepped up my game. He introduced me to alcohol, partying, cocaine and the likes. He was my man, I loved him and would do anything for him even if it meant compromising my standards.

Few weeks to our exams I found out I was pregnant. I informed Ropo and he gave me the beating of my life. I was almost convinced that the motive behind the beating was to beat out the baby from my womb or why else would I have woken up in the hospital. I guess his plan worked. I lost the baby and the doctor told me I was lucky to be alive. I was in the hospital during the exams and automatically had an extra year.

During my stay in the hospital Ropo didn’t bother to visit or call me and when I called he shouted at me and said he needed to study for his final exams. After I was discharged I went over to his apartment to see him so we could talk things over. My friends warned against it and even agreed that I had been jazzed. I made excuses for him and said,’ maybe he was having a bad day when I broke the news to him’ or ‘maybe I was the one who offended him and he was only correcting me’, Maybe the exam pressure got to him’. I agree now that I was a fool, a fool in love or rather Lust. On getting to his apartment, I was greeted by another girl who introduced herself to me as Ropo’s girlfriend. I didn’t believe what I heard and wanted to hear from the horses mouth. She didn’t let me in.

The last I heard of Ropo was that he had graduated while there I was battling with an extra year and humiliation from friends and family. It’s been 7 years since the unfortunate incident. I’m in a great place now, I finished with a first class from the university, secured a great job and live in a beautiful apartment. There’ve been other guys after Ropo, some more handsome, richer and the likes but I could never bring myself to fall in love again. I was and still too heartbroken and my greatest defense is “love made me weak and vulnerable”. My friends have even accused me of suffering from philophobia, maybe they’re right. I dunno if I’ll ever get past it but I can only hope. For now my family and job are all that matter to me.

I didn’t realise i was far gone in thoughts until I bashed the vehicle in front of me. I heard someone say “Big head what were you thinking about”, Guess who!!!

Philophobia- Fear of being in love or falling in love

Hi guys!! Thank you for your continued interest in reading my blog. It’s well appreciated. I’ll be doing a ‘phobia’ series #Whatareyourfears. So basically feel free to share your fears (phobias) with me and I’ll publish it on my blog. It could be in form of a story, Fiction and Non-fiction, poems, write ups etc. Whatever your style is, i’ve got you covered. You can send an email to or You can view the stories in the series on my blog



3 thoughts on “Philophobia

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